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computerwriter.com
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Time to go to Computer Users Anonymous?Toronto Star Fast Forward column for Sept. 28, 2000 Copyright ©, Myles White, 2000 Well, let's see how we're doing so far this year. Despite being somewhat distracted, Microsoft has delivered two operating system upgrades for both corporate and consumer PCs. Intel and AMD are locked in a spitting contest over who has the fastest PC processor in the land and it's making everyone crazy, from consumers and retailers to manufacturers and computer writers, trying to keep up. Apple has abandoned the names of fruit to describe its iMac colours and has gone to plants, rocks and other "natural" colours instead (indigo, ruby, sage, snow, and graphite). Oracle's Larry Ellison is spending a bunch of cash, as are Nortel Networks, Cisco, and others, carefully explaining that if it weren't for them, there'd be no Internet. And everyone who counts noses is saying that the penetration of computers into Canadian households has gone well past 50 per cent. What better time to take the pulse of the computer consuming public to ask an inevitable question: Is all this starting to get to you just a little bit? I mean, has your computer use become a small problem in your life? By taking the following easy test you may discover that it's time to shut your system down, don a light jacket, and head out to see if the fall colours have started to appear. You'll know you're beginning to get into trouble if:(1) Instead of recording your bowling scores, conversations you had with friends and family, or your deep thoughts on life, the universe, and everything, you begin to fill your diary with notes on the number of times your computer has done something "funny." It may have started out innocently enough, keeping track of what you did and what happened next in order to satisfy the curiosity of a tech support rep from one company or another, but as you review the past few months, you notice that all other interesting stuff isn't so interesting any more and all you have the time or inclination to notice is all the numbers that appear whenever the screen turns blue. (2) You call up the "My Computer" properties dialogue more than once a day to check under the Performance tab to see what your system resources are. Naturally, you log this in your journal and you reserve the most cutting remarks for programs that don't release the memory they've used when they're done. You know their names and you've found out where they live. (3) You've developed a technical vocabulary far greater than any of your friends. For example, you know what the "SIMD" means in Intel's "Streaming SIMD Instruction Set" for the Pentium III. You can describe the intricacies of the company's relatively new Hub Architecture and how it differs from the older Northbridge/Southbridge chipsets and you can intelligently discuss the differences between chipsets made by Intel and VIA. Furthermore, you know what "SiS" stands for. (4) The only magazines you buy are about computers or computer gaming. You don't have the foggiest idea what the Internet Web address is to watch the Olympics, to check up on the CFL, or where you can get information about preparing delphiniums for the winter, but you've memorized the addresses of every motherboard manufacturer in the world (all 400+ of them). (5) Whenever you hear other people having conversations about a computer, or about computer software, you can't resist trying to join the discussion so you can give the parties the benefit of your experience - even if they're complete strangers. Whether you own a PC or an Apple product, you can defend it with skill and panache while pointing out the defects in the other platform. You can quote Andy Grove, Steve Jobs, and Scott McNealy - and you know who they are. (6) If you have to take your computer into the shop for some maintenance or repairs (not because you can't do it, but because you're too busy), you tell the technician what's wrong with it. And you can't understand why s/he doesn't immediately listen up and recognize your expertise and the value of your insights. (7) You start volunteering your services to friends and never fail, when visiting their homes, to find out where the computer is located. You'll always convince them to power it up and, luckily for them, you never go anywhere without a bag of CDs containing your favourite utilities and software programs. It doesn't matter that they don't want this service; they just don't know what's good for them. Of course, when things go wrong and their systems stop working the way they did it's because they didn't buy the same system you have, so it's their fault. (8) If anyone mentions they're thinking of buying a new computer, you immediately know what's best for them, where they should get it, and how much they should pay for it. Well, shucks, you'll even insist on going with them so you can demonstrate your cunning and depth of knowledge by embarrassing the sales staff and catching them out on little details. You have strong opinions on the best motherboard, processor, brands of hard drive and CD-RW, as well as the best graphics controller and monitor - and you don't mind sharing them. Anyone who disagrees with you can be dismissed as a complete dweeb. (9) You've never met Bill Gates, but you still refer to him by his first name when discussing his habits, his house, his troubles with the US Justice Department, the clothes he wears, and what he drives, with what friends you have left. (10) The first thing you do when you come home from vacation or any other protracted absence is to fire up your computer, just so you can move the mouse and see something happen. (11) You get the shakes during power failures. (12) Playing FreeCell soothes your nerves. (13) You have more than five e-mail addresses and your own Web site. (14) You've switched Internet Service Providers several times over the past few months because none of them gave you the speed you craved, the tech support you desired, or the recognition of your expertise you deserved (they should have invited you to join their board, at least). (15) When you go to bed, well into the wee small hours most nights, you lull yourself to sleep by picturing each of the icons on your desktop while you develop plans to move them around. (16) You have more than one operating system on your computer (or more than one computer, each with a different OS) and FreeBSD is one of them. (17) You think it's tremendously unfair that programs such as Quicken or the latest releases of Microsoft Office 2000 will only work for a little while unless you register them (come to think of it, I'm with you on this one). (18) On the shelves around your computer, you have more than one software application you haven't opened yet. (19) You have no bank account or investment savings worth noting, but you have boxes of spare hardware components and cables of various types lying about, "Just in case... ." (20) And finally, you never miss an opportunity to send vituperative e-mail messages to computer columnists when they have the temerity to write about products you don't use and don't like. After all, writing about product 'x' shows their complete lack of understanding when you just know they should have written about product 'y.' |
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